


just for tonight

by iwritetrash



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alcohol, Alex being an asshole, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Bittersweet Ending, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Sex, John Needs A Hug, M/M, New Rules - Dua Lipa, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-13
Updated: 2017-08-13
Packaged: 2018-12-14 20:20:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11790735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwritetrash/pseuds/iwritetrash
Summary: When Alex and John break up, John decides that this time he isn't going to let Alex worm his way back into his life, so, with the help of some friends, he creates a set of rules to live by.





	just for tonight

**Author's Note:**

> Based on New Rules and also a little bit on No Goodbyes because I was really feeling it

The rules are Laf’s idea.

When Alex and John break up, nobody expects it to last. This is normal for them: they’ll break up for a day, maybe less (the longest it’s ever lasted was a week, after a surprise visit from John’s father), and then Alex will come crawling back with his tail between his legs, begging for John back, promising that this is the last time. And John falls for it. Every time. 

But this time is different. Because this time it wasn’t just a small fight. This time Alex had cheated on him, in their apartment, in their _bed_ , the same bed Alex shared with John.

John wasn’t perfect, he’d admit to being the cause of some of their past break ups, but it had always been trivial things. Not this time though.

John had decided that this wasn’t just a short break this time. This one was for real, and he was adamant that Alex wasn’t going to worm his way back into his heart after this.

Unfortunately, though, John knows he isn’t that strong. One look in Alex’s eyes matched with a sincere apology would be enough to have John welcoming him back with open arms. That’s why he gets Lafayette involved.

They come up with a strategy, a set of rules that _must be obeyed at all costs._

_1\. Don’t answer the phone when he calls._

That should be easy enough, John thinks. He’s let Alex’s calls ring out plenty of times during previous break ups, because Alex only calls when he’s had a bit to drink and is starting to realise that he misses John.

_2\. Don’t let him into the apartment._

Again, it should be simple enough, as long as John profusely avoids eye contact. He changes the locks, so Alex can’t get back into the apartment John kept after they broke up, and he refuses to buzz Alex in when he eventually calls for his stuff a month later, meeting him outside instead, because it’s easier to separate Alex from the life they shared if he isn’t in the space they shared.

_3\. Absolutely no hooking up with him._

Unfortunately, a hook up has put an end to most of their past break ups, when John makes the mistake of answering his calls and getting drawn in, or when they’ve both had a bit too much to drink and they let down their guards. John knows realistically that sex won’t help him heal, much as he likes to pretend that one last hook up might put an end to any remaining sexual tension. Lafayette promises to act as a middle man to stop him from caving, because they both know how weak John is where Alex is concerned.

_4\. Don’t try to be his friend._

That one hurts the most. John and Alex have been friends for longer than either of them can remember since way before they became a couple. When they had first hooked up, they’d both promised that it wouldn’t ruin their friendship, that they’d always be friends, because they both thought that this relationship was it for them, the one that was never going to end. John remembered Alex whispering to him that John was his forever. Well, unless forever only lasted two years, he’d been lying.

John didn’t want to write down number 4, but Lafayette had insisted that, at least for the immediate future, John absolutely could not pretend that he and Alex could still be friends, or they would both find themselves far too compelled to end up sleeping together again, which was a direct breach of rule number 3.

The list is put up on the fridge, next to the photographs of John and Alex, and the post it notes Alex put up as little reminders, which Lafayette says John really ought to take down.

So John takes them down. He deletes the message logs he has with Alex which go back at least three years – John doesn’t remember the last time he deleted their messages, because he’s such a message hoarder – and unfollows him on most of his social media accounts. He changes his icons from a picture of him and Alex to one of him with Lafayette and Hercules. He can’t bring himself to delete any of their pictures, but he gathers up the countless scrapbooks and albums they’ve accumulated and boxes them up to shove them in the bottom of the storage cupboard in the apartment.

Alex doesn’t get the message that this break up is final, though he seems to register it might take a little more time than the others. He waits a week before he calls John. He leaves a message after John lets it ring out, but John doesn’t listen to it. He deletes the message and turns off his phone for the night, going to sleep and trying not to think about the empty space in the bed.

Alex tries again for the next three evenings, but when he receives no answer he tries the apartment, only to realise his keys don’t fit the lock anymore. John turns up his music as he paints, trying to drown out the sound of Alex pounding on the door. When it eventually goes quiet, John walks over to the door, peering through the peephole to see Alex slumped against the wall opposite.

John almost feels sorry for him, until he remembers what Alex did, and he turns and stomps back to his art, turning up his music even louder.

Group gatherings are the hardest part. They were a couple within a group of mutual friends, so when Lafayette’s birthday rolled around two months later, they were both, of course, invited to the party he threw.

Their friends teamed up to keep them separate, with Angelica and Peggy keeping John away from Maria and Eliza who were managing Alex. In the end it was a bathroom trip that meddled with the intricate plan the girls had laid out for the evening. Alex, who’d been on the way to fetch drinks, had met John on his way to the bathroom, when there was a breakdown in communication that led to them both wandering the party at the same time.

John blames the alcohol when he wakes up in next to Alex (although he doesn’t remember drinking more than a few beers), completely naked, with fuzzy memories of an attempt at friendliness.

He remembers how it had started, Alex catching his arm after he had tried to escape, looking up at John with those gorgeous brown eyes and asking him to stay, to hear him out.

So John broke rule number 4 and attempted a friendly conversation. He'd told himself he would be okay, that he could handle a conversation without it leading him down the road to something more sinister. Evidently he'd been wrong, because even as he sensed the situation escalating, he couldn't bring himself to pull away.

Alex had stepped a little closer to John, adopted that flirtatious tone of voice John knew so well, and pressed a hand to John’s elbow as he leaned in close to ask if John wanted to go somewhere a little quieter. John had shivered when Alex’s breath washed over his cheek, and blindly allowed himself to be led, even as the rational part of his brain (which sounded a lot like Lafayette) screamed at him to turn back.

They’d ended up in one of the spare bedrooms Lafayette had made up for the night, so that any couples looking for a bit of action could use them instead of his own. John had known he was toeing the line, had known that the situation was getting harder to escape from, but he had stayed nonetheless.

Alex had taken a seat on the bed, patting the covers beside him to invite John to sit with him, and, even though there had been perfectly good chairs in the room, John had barely even hesitated. 

John isn’t really sure how they ended up kissing, or who made the first move. He thinks it was probably both of them leaning in at the same time, as the last of his resolve crumbled away and Alex took full advantage of the weakness he spotted. And _oh_ how John had missed kissing Alex, feeling him lick into his mouth, feeling teeth gently graze against his bottom lip, feeling hands pull his hair loose from a ponytail and gently tug at it. 

Alex’s hands had seemed to roam across his entire body, leaving John finding it very hard to concentrate all of a sudden. John had told himself that he could handle this, that he could walk away later, as Alex pulled off both of their shirts and started to work on John’s belt buckle, but now, in the light of day, he wasn’t so sure.

John meant to extricate himself from the bed before Alex woke up, but then Alex rolls over and wrapped his arms tightly around John’s torso, cuddling up to him even while fast asleep. And how can John say no to that?

The next time John wakes up, Alex isn't next to him. John thinks Alex might have understood that this was a one off, and he feels almost betrayed by the way his heart sinks and dammit, this was why the rule was decided in the first place. Unfortunately, before John can clamber out of bed and awkwardly make his way to the kitchen, where he's sure Lafayette is waiting with a disappointed expression, Alex is pushing the door open and stepping into the room with two cups of coffee and a sheepish grin, and it suddenly becomes all too easy to imagine that the last two months never happened.

Shit.

"Good morning, sleepy head," Alex brings John a mug, which he warily accepts. Alex looks like he wants to press a kiss onto John's cheek, but he decides against it. Good call. 

John is painfully aware of the fact that he's still completely naked, so he sets the mug on the side as he scans the room for his clothes, wrapping the sheet around him as he stumbles over to where his boxers and t-shirt are sitting in a crumpled pile. 

He hears a muffled laugh from behind him and turns to glare at Alex.

"C'mon, John, you don't need to do that, I've seen all there is to see when it comes to you," Alex smirks.

"That's different, we were dating then," John grumbles, and the change in mood in the room is almost palpable.

"We weren't dating last night," Alex speaks carefully, as though he doesn't quite want to hear what comes next.

"Last night was a mistake."

"But-" Alex stammers, not surprised, but still hurt by John's answer. "I thought-"

"Well, you thought wrong," John hopes the slight shake in his voice isn't too obvious, because he can't let Alex know how hard this is on him. If John can convince him that he's okay with this, maybe he'll stop trying.

"But... but I miss you?" He doesn't even say that he loves him, just that he misses having John around. It's a recurring theme.

John takes his time pulling on his clothes to avoid having to turn around and face him.

"You have this routine, Alex. You fuck up, and then you try and win me back, and I fall for it every time. But not this time. This time I'm not coming back."

"John, I-" Alex seems totally flabbergasted by John's accusation, incapable of believing that this is really it. "Well, can't we at least be friends?" John presses his eyes shut at the question. Rule number 4 rears its ugly head again.

"No." John tries to sound as strong as he can. He slowly turns to face Alex, who's perched on the edge of the bed, looking at John with a pained expression. "Because if we're friends then things like this will happen again, and then we'll end up right back where we were before. It would be better if you'd just stay away, and make this easier for the both of us."

"So that's it? Ten years of friendship and you're just going to throw it away?" John knows Alex well enough to know that he's begun putting up his defences, the angry response being one of the remnants of the boy from the Caribbean who fought for everything he had.

John isn't going to gratify that anger with equal measure.

"Maybe one day we'll be able to smile and talk and be friends again, and it won't hurt to do that,” John smiles sadly at him, “but for the moment it's all just too... hard. It's better this way."

"I don't want to lose you," Alex whispers, but he doesn't move closer to John. He stays where he is, sat on the bed, the several meters sitting between them feeling longer than ever. He still doesn’t tell John that he loves him, only that he wants him around. That’s probably for the best.

"Then you shouldn't have slept with someone else. You lost me the moment you made that call, it's just taken you way too long to realise that." Alex hangs his head in defeat, because he can't possibly contest that. John was never perfect, but Alex hit the final nail into the coffin for their relationship. He sees that now.

"Goodbye, Alex," John says, as calmly as he can manage, before turning and leaving before Alex can say another word that might make him change his mind.

Lafayette is waiting for him in the kitchen, but when John begins to cry the second he steps into the room, Lafayette drops all airs of disappointment and runs to pull him into a tight hug.

"I told him-" John hiccups, "I told him that it was all done, that we couldn't even be friends anymore,"

"John, mon chou, I can't imagine how difficult that must have been," Lafayette sighs, running a hand soothingly through John's hair, "but you know it is for the best. 

John nods, even as he sobs into Lafayette's shoulder, because, even if it doesn't feel like it now, getting back together with Alex would have been a terrible idea.

John doesn't see Alex walk past the kitchen and pause at the doorframe, half-tempted to walk in and comfort John. But Lafayette does, locking eyes with Alex and shaking his head silently.

So Alex nods and walks out of John's life with not so much as a goodbye. It's better that way.

In the end it's Alex who fades out of the group. He stops coming to group gatherings, stops hanging out with them all at Laf's house. John knows he and Laf still spend a lot of time together at work, and that he still meets with the Schuyler sisters for lunch once a month, and pops over to visit Herc every once in a while, but other than that he doesn't hear from him, doesn't see him, and, after the first few weeks of crying, and pining, and moping, John is almost able to forget him. Alex still comes to birthday parties every now and then, but they both steer well clear of each other, and soon enough they may as well be strangers. 

When they bump into each other again for the first time in five years (beyond the awkward eye contact at parties), John realises that he feels… okay, surprisingly enough. They end up getting a coffee, and John finds he can sit opposite Alex and not feel like he’s constantly at risk of falling back into some kind of relationship with him. He’s also aware that he’s not totally over Alex either, and maybe he never will be, and there’s still that small voice in the back of his mind that yearns for him, but he can push that down for a little while to get coffee with an old friend.

It doesn’t help, however, to see how much Alex seems to have grown in the time they’ve been apart. The Alex sat opposite him is still the Alex he loved five years ago, but he’s also more self-aware, more receptive, and a little less eager to run his mouth off. He’s a far cry from the boy who screwed John over and pulled him back in time and time again. And goddamnit if that doesn’t make John want him back.

It’s been long enough that there’s no anger or bitterness lingering between them, and they slip easily into the old rhythm of conversation interlaced with warm smiles. John refrains from reaching across the table to touch his hand, or nudging their feet together under the table like he would have before, because it’s been five years but he still holds muscle memories about how to behave around Alex.

As he sips slowly at the coffee in front of him, John starts to wonder whether he could ever take Alex back. The yearning in the back of his head tells him that _yes, of course he could, why hasn’t he already?_ But when he remembers what Alex did… He’s not angry, but he’s also not sure he would be fully able to trust him. And when he thinks about what he went through in the wake of their relationship, the crying, the handing back of old things, the pain that accompanied simple things like songs or places that reminded him of Alex, he wonders if he could bear to go through that again.

Alex is facing a similar dilemma, as he wonders where he and John would be now, if he hadn’t cheated, if he hadn’t ruined everything. Would they have broken up eventually anyway? Or would they still be together now, married, maybe even with kids? He feels a twist in the pit of his stomach when he realises how stuck on John he is. 

He’d tried desperately to change after John told him it was over, and convinced himself he was doing it to be a better person, as opposed to on the off chance that John wanted him back (not that Alex thought he deserved John). He decided to put an end to the ways he behaved, to try and become more understanding, to try and stop being so eager to jump into a fight, to try and _listen_ more to people. He couldn’t help but hope that John saw that in him today.

Eventually they part ways, their questions unanswered, and neither of them say ‘we should do this again sometime’, or ‘is your number still the same? I’ll text you’, because, even with the marks of the missed years showing in the occasional grey hair and the laughter lines on their faces which weren’t there before, they can still read each other like open books. They both know that now isn’t the time. They both know that if they want to be friends, they will have to be strangers for a little longer, and if they want to be a couple… Baby steps.

Alex has to prove that he’s changed, that he isn’t the selfish boy he was when he met John. He has to prove that he can put John first, that he can let John go at the expense of his own feelings, if that is what will make John happier, if he ever hopes to get John back.

John has to know for certain that he can trust Alex again to not make the same mistakes, and perhaps it goes hand in hand with Alex’s end goal, but he has his own demons to work past as well.

Maybe one day meetings like that will be easier. Maybe one day that meeting might lead to a second shot at friendship. And maybe that friendship will lead to a second chance for both of them.

But for today, they go their separate ways, with a small, carefully controlled glimmer of hope. Fate isn’t done with those two yet.


End file.
